Imagine that you’re a guy and you’re saying bye to an acquaintance you’ve met in the train. Would you pat his thigh as you stood up to leave? Cos that’s what happened to me yesterday.

Scans train for babes.
Unwittingly makes eye contact with secondary school acquaintance.
Tries to look down but too late.
Acquaintance points to neighbouring seat.
Curses.
Swears.
Blames the heavens.
Plops sullenly into seat.
Makes half-hearted small talk.
Tries to remember acquaintance's name.
Acquaintance says my name three times.
Still trying to remember acquaintance's name.
Acquaintance starts talking about his job.
Still trying to remember acquaintance's name.
Acquaintance runs out of things to say.
Big idea hits.
Asks for acquaintance’s namecard.
Enlightenment/relief/dammit! When does he get off?
Acquaintance announces his stop is next.
I exhale a little too loudly.
Acquaintance stands up.
I say, “See you around.”
Acquaintance pats my thigh and says “you too”.
Brain sends out the “WTF was that for?” signal.

Call me conservative but I think physical contact between men should be kept to a minimum. Okok. A pat on the shoulder is fine but no lower body, got it?! If gay bars enforce the “lips above the hips” rule, then straight men should adhere to the “hands above the pants” rule. Actually that should be the case in gay bars too but there’s only so much one can expect when alcohol and hormones combine.