Parallel Parking Shame

Whoever invented parallel parking lots ought to be shot. Not because it’s a bad idea. But because I’m utterly hopeless at it. Over the weekend, due to circumstances that I cannot now remember, I was forced to park parallel-y. After seven minutes of the most furious wheel spinning and heavens cursing imaginable, I’d only managed to get the left side of Rodney into the lot. Which is where I left him.

I remarked to Nessa that in the time I’d taken to half park, some people could’ve had some sex. This led her to assume that I am an expert at quickies which I promptly denied only to have her jump to the conclusion that that must mean I am an expert in superquickies which I denied again only to have her hop on to the idea that the word “premature” can somehow be applied to me. Her brain is apparently a triple jump champion.

But no matter. I’ve done some research and parallel parking can be done in five simple steps which I will list here.

1. Stop parallel to the car in the lot in front and no more than one metre away from it.

2. Back up and turn the wheel full left when the back edge of the front car appears at the corner of your back window.

3. Look into your right wing mirror. Once both headlights of the car behind you appear in it, straighten the wheel.

4. Keep moving back till the back edge of the front car passes the corner of your front windscreen then turn the wheel full right. You should be in the lot by now.

5. Wriggle till comfy.