I now own an iPod now owns me
It’s been 4 days since I got my poddie. Yes, I have named it (slightly unimaginatively) Joe. I haven’t even named somewhat more important parts of my anatomy. But this is different. This is a badge of honour. This is what makes me me now. This is the high-tech phallus with which I will face the world! (This should be followed by maniacal laughter but I tend to sound like an asphyxiating duck so I’ll pass.)
But I sense some minute rumblings of dissent.
What’s that about sound quality you say? Does it matter in the slightest? Who gets an iPod and says “ooh, sounds great!”? Certainly not me!
Short battery life? Nonsense! That’s a feature, cabbage brain. It’s like rearing a neopet - constant feeding/charging = tender loving care.
But back to the topic at hand. I swear that when that lovely black and red box pumps tunes I don’t even like into my head, time slows down and speeds up simultaneously. I feel like I’m walking slower but yet before I know it, I’ve arrived. This, I am convinced, is nothing short of witchcraft (or a really good joint).
And!
Dressing has never been easier. All I need to do is choose something that matches that pure white earphone cord. Hence, black, red, brown and blue are in while white and yellow can go take running leaps out of the colour spectrum. Piece of cake.
In short, my iPod (or Joe) has given my life direction. It’s like having a child. Every night, I must feed it new songs. Every day, I must devote some time to cradling it. Every 10 seconds or so, I must reach into my bag to check on its whereabouts even though the music’s still playing.
Sounds odd, perhaps. But you probably aren’t a parent, much less a poddie. What do you know about attachment and devotion or love and affection? This piece of technological magic, now lying snugly by my side, has taken the relationship between man and machine to unprecedented depths. Soon man and machine will become interchangeable. Man will be known by his machine and machine by its man. There will not be one without the other and there will not be the other without the one. And when the depths of pretentiousness, materialism and shallowness have finally reached their conclusions? Why, Steve Jobs will just release something else. Good grief, I need help!
But I sense some minute rumblings of dissent.
What’s that about sound quality you say? Does it matter in the slightest? Who gets an iPod and says “ooh, sounds great!”? Certainly not me!
Short battery life? Nonsense! That’s a feature, cabbage brain. It’s like rearing a neopet - constant feeding/charging = tender loving care.
But back to the topic at hand. I swear that when that lovely black and red box pumps tunes I don’t even like into my head, time slows down and speeds up simultaneously. I feel like I’m walking slower but yet before I know it, I’ve arrived. This, I am convinced, is nothing short of witchcraft (or a really good joint).
And!
Dressing has never been easier. All I need to do is choose something that matches that pure white earphone cord. Hence, black, red, brown and blue are in while white and yellow can go take running leaps out of the colour spectrum. Piece of cake.
In short, my iPod (or Joe) has given my life direction. It’s like having a child. Every night, I must feed it new songs. Every day, I must devote some time to cradling it. Every 10 seconds or so, I must reach into my bag to check on its whereabouts even though the music’s still playing.
Sounds odd, perhaps. But you probably aren’t a parent, much less a poddie. What do you know about attachment and devotion or love and affection? This piece of technological magic, now lying snugly by my side, has taken the relationship between man and machine to unprecedented depths. Soon man and machine will become interchangeable. Man will be known by his machine and machine by its man. There will not be one without the other and there will not be the other without the one. And when the depths of pretentiousness, materialism and shallowness have finally reached their conclusions? Why, Steve Jobs will just release something else. Good grief, I need help!
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