Application for the Position of President

To the Presidential Elections Committee:

I hereby put my name forth for consideration as President. I am aware that I do not meet certain criteria for eligibility but perhaps this letter will change your minds.

I am only 25. The minimum age stated for qualification is 45. This, I feel, is ridiculous. Nobody wants an old President. As the figurehead of the country, the President must be in his prime - a symbol of strength and virility! We cannot have a fat, balding man or woman who can barely get up from his/her seat as our leader. Just the thought of this outrage makes me quiver. But there are other more practical reasons for considering a younger candidate. How can an older body deal with all those dinner and cocktail parties? What would our neighbours think should our President keel over suddenly in mid-kebab or be rushed to hospital with a hernia after popping a bottle of champagne? The shame would be too much to bear for our great nation.

It has also come to my attention that a qualified candidate must have at least three years’ experience as chairman of a statutory board or a company with a paid-up capital of at least $100 million. $100 million is a mere pinch in the thighs, my friends. If the threshold is set at that paltry figure, why set a threshold at all? I can proudly say that I have never had to deal with money. It is beneath true leaders to go around ruffling the coffers for spare change while clutching a calculator. However, to bolster my chances, let it be known that I achieved an A1 in Elementary Mathematics in my ‘O’ levels.

These criteria you have laid down, however, are just technicalities. They do not matter one bit. What does matter, however, is that the candidate has the aptitude for the job. And this is where I excel. I am, without question, unquestioningly unquestioning. That is my forte. I will agree with whatever that has to be agreed with. I agree, for example, that every square inch of our neighbours up North should be firebombed except the capital which serves rather good bak kut teh. I concur also that the huge piece of burning rainforest down South is nothing but a cesspit of racial, economic and political upheaval. I could not be more open to the fact that the red, white and blue is our nation’s big brother and must be sucked up to ad nauseam. This, I am sure you will agree with me, is how a President should think.

To add even more to what must be my already considerable chances, I could become, if given the opportunity, the epitome of the people’s President. Why anyone of such considerable stature would want to spend his days with louts who spend half their time in coffeshops and the other half raving drunk in void decks is beyond me at this moment but with every new job comes a new challenge. I am sure that I will be up to the task.

With me as President, the future of this country will be one big fat cupcake. There will be countless meet-the-people sessions because I will spend my days walking briskly from the Istana through Orchard Road and back smiling reverently and waving with Mao-esque benevolence. Every Sunday will be play-football-with-the-President day. Slumber parties will become a weekly highlight. Though, I regret to say that this will be a strictly female-only affair. Except for the President, of course.

When I become President, the economy will grow. People will not waste precious man-hours protesting in vain for clemency for anyone on death row. Such inefficiencies must be stamped out along with those lice who grumble incessantly and effusively about human rights. The only human right I am concerned with is our people’s right to vote for me when you qualify me as a candidate.

There are no two ways about it. The role of President is tailor-made for such a person as me. Once you recognise this, even those dissidents in the streets, mostly seen driving taxis, will come around in time. With that, I will leave you to your excogitation.

My best regards,