Another reply to another comment.
Dear Suzanne,
A Presidential candidate knows he has really touched the hearts of the people when, instead of seeking his position on trivial matters such as foreign policy or dual citizenship, they come to him baying for cat blood. For that, I thank you.
The problem you face is a legitimate one. There are many people who deplore cute fuzzy things killing other cute fuzzy things. I, myself, tend to shun Animal Planet for this very reason.
Indeed, mice are wonderful creatures. I remember sitting on the edge of my seat as Stuart Little overcame feline adversity after feline adversity. His Bond-like dexterity was awe-inspiring and I would dearly love to have the mouse actor autograph my mousetrap.
However, in my endless pursuit of self-improvement, I have since watched countless episodes of Tom & Jerry as well as Tom & Jerry Kids (one must be thorough in such things) and have come to the conclusion that it is the mice who have pulled the wool over our eyes all this while. You might know that in no episode of these opuses of rollercoaster emotions does Jerry get killed. Otherwise, it would be just Tom or Tom Kids which would not be half as interesting. In fact, it is most often Tom, the cat, who gets his head flattened or dynamite stuck in his ears. I personally much prefer the anvil on the head move. The “clank” is so much more satisfying than a KABOOOM!!! But my point is this. Jerry, the mouse, is admirably cunning. I do not think for one instant that any cat could outwit a mouse so their rodent lives are hardly as endangered as you may think.
However, to put your mind at ease, I have come up with a most innovative solution. It might sound odious to one of your sensibilities but I am certain you will come around in time. My suggestion, dear cat-hater, is feed the cats. The simplicity of this plan just sends tears rolling down my cheeks. For your benefit, I will break it down into point form.
1. Cat gets fed.
2. Cat gets fat.
3. Mice run around.
4. Cat lies down.
Therefore, when I am President, I will decree that each and every stray cat gets four tins of canned fish everyday paid for, of course, by the ever-generous taxpayer. This should ensure that the above scenario becomes reality.
With regard to the loud mating calls, each constituency already has a cat-neutering program in place. Volunteers trap stray cats and then send them to have their bollocks removed (no offense, John Bollocks) before they (the cats, not the balls) are returned to the neighbourhood. Cats without balls do not mate. Hence, you will be able to sleep in sweet silence.
I am confident that these two preventive measures will work in synergy to stave off the menace of which you speak. I look forward to your vote.
Best regards,
A Presidential candidate knows he has really touched the hearts of the people when, instead of seeking his position on trivial matters such as foreign policy or dual citizenship, they come to him baying for cat blood. For that, I thank you.
The problem you face is a legitimate one. There are many people who deplore cute fuzzy things killing other cute fuzzy things. I, myself, tend to shun Animal Planet for this very reason.
Indeed, mice are wonderful creatures. I remember sitting on the edge of my seat as Stuart Little overcame feline adversity after feline adversity. His Bond-like dexterity was awe-inspiring and I would dearly love to have the mouse actor autograph my mousetrap.
However, in my endless pursuit of self-improvement, I have since watched countless episodes of Tom & Jerry as well as Tom & Jerry Kids (one must be thorough in such things) and have come to the conclusion that it is the mice who have pulled the wool over our eyes all this while. You might know that in no episode of these opuses of rollercoaster emotions does Jerry get killed. Otherwise, it would be just Tom or Tom Kids which would not be half as interesting. In fact, it is most often Tom, the cat, who gets his head flattened or dynamite stuck in his ears. I personally much prefer the anvil on the head move. The “clank” is so much more satisfying than a KABOOOM!!! But my point is this. Jerry, the mouse, is admirably cunning. I do not think for one instant that any cat could outwit a mouse so their rodent lives are hardly as endangered as you may think.
However, to put your mind at ease, I have come up with a most innovative solution. It might sound odious to one of your sensibilities but I am certain you will come around in time. My suggestion, dear cat-hater, is feed the cats. The simplicity of this plan just sends tears rolling down my cheeks. For your benefit, I will break it down into point form.
1. Cat gets fed.
2. Cat gets fat.
3. Mice run around.
4. Cat lies down.
Therefore, when I am President, I will decree that each and every stray cat gets four tins of canned fish everyday paid for, of course, by the ever-generous taxpayer. This should ensure that the above scenario becomes reality.
With regard to the loud mating calls, each constituency already has a cat-neutering program in place. Volunteers trap stray cats and then send them to have their bollocks removed (no offense, John Bollocks) before they (the cats, not the balls) are returned to the neighbourhood. Cats without balls do not mate. Hence, you will be able to sleep in sweet silence.
I am confident that these two preventive measures will work in synergy to stave off the menace of which you speak. I look forward to your vote.
Best regards,
3 Comments:
Dear Mr Presidential Hopeful
I am glad that you profess yourself to be a president for the people, of the people.
A true heart landers' president . Kudos to you!
I do not agree why you should shun Animal Planets or any documentary channels at all. I mean what does our country have to offer, in terms of its fauna and flora.
I guess most of us see more animals, birds and fishes and what have and what not on the TV.
Our poor kids only have our concrete jungle , nothing but buildings and more buildings. Even mouse or is it mice? *Pardon my poor english*...have no place in singapore.
The Ministry of Environment is clamping down on them. I do pity our kids, singapore really do not have much to offer in terms of nature.
Birds fly right? So technically bird flu can fly into Singapore right? Even a cow can understand that....They are banning keeping of live poultry on Pulau Ubin.
One thing , I beseech you should you get elected, pls have them leave Pulau Ubin alone! It is our last nature frontier...
Alternatively, it may be a good location for the 3rd Integrated Resort...No, no...that's too much of a hassle.....
Do what you must and what you should. Let your senses guide you and us to a common good.
Edwards Fowlplay
Central Singapore
Dear BirdFondler,
Pardon my slow reply. I have been caught up in running for leadership positions all over the world.
Your concern for nature and Pulau Ubin touches me. Unfortunately, for one as esteemed as myself, the closest I have come to nature is the snail I accidentally crushed on my way home a few days back. You might have guessed by now that I have also never set foot on Pulau Ubin. In fact, I do not even know how to get there. And a good thing too for there are no hotels there I believe, only large holes filled with water and skinny-dippers.
But as I said, your deep regret over the state of our flora and fauna has made an impression on me. Might I thus bring your attention to the Singapore Zoo? It is really quite a wonderful place. Much like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, if you think about it. All these huge animals wandering around in splendid captivity with their fangs bared and huge claws a-shining. If I felt as deeply about nature as you do, I’d be snapping those entry tickets up right now. I personally like to look at the monkeys. Their similarity to the common man is so uncanny that I believe that Darwin was right. By diligently studying their behaviour and studiously avoiding the flying faeces, I hope to hone my skills in public relations to further prepare for my future role as President.
Regarding your disapproval of the Pulau Ubin poultry ban, I think you have lost your feathers a bit on this one. Our wise government is a master at doing nothing and yet doing everything at the same time. Of course they know that bird flu cannot be kept out. If an elephant can find its way to our shores, so can a rogue duck or chicken. But the government cannot be seen as doing nothing. That would be blasphemy to their philosophy. They are an action party, might I remind you. And action means doing. Even if it is just culling a few chickens on a smaller, even more inconspicuous island.
Best Regards,
Dear Mr Presidential Hopeful
Sir, I would like you to address me as Mr Fowlplay and not birdfondler.
You are pardoned. A man of your stature. Immensely busy pulling votes, I guessed. However, I do want to offer this following advise: "Jack of all trade, master of none'. Furthermore, it does accelerate my(or rather the population of Singapore) doubts as your lack of confidence/sincerity/capability in your ability to lead Singapore.
Correct me if I am wrong, I read on your blog that you are contesting for the post of the chief executive in Hong Kong! It does cause doubts over your sincerity to serve in the highest office in Singapore.
Thank you for your suggestion that I should go to the zoo. Let me just share this. The zoo is man made whereas Ubin is a natural place untouched by man for many many eons... A wonderful place? I beg to differ...The animals in the zoo are brought into the zoo from the wild, hence not a nature environment for them. Therefore, occasionally you get news reports of animals trying to escape from the zoo, etc. Need more examples, may I suggest that you catch the latest blockbuster, Madagascar. The animals escape from the zoo, didn't they. This goes to show that animals doesn't like to help in captivity! Never mind about those evil penguins!
Lastly, thanks for allowing to see the light on the Pulau Ubin Poultry Ban. Like you have mentioned, a few fowls did escape. Fowl play, I should say.. a return to the nature. Once more chicken shall roam freely on Pulau Ubin once more...
Edwards Fowlplay
Post a Comment
<< Home