My reply to yet another comment on my application

Dear John Bollocks,

With all due respect, this is the first time I have had to justify myself to a pair of gonads. But let me begin.

First, I will address your doubts as to the relevancy of my outstanding achievement in Elementary Mathematics. As I hope you know, Elementary Mathematics is the foundation of ALL mathematics. My firm grounding in the basics is the perfect platform for me to pursue higher learning, be it thermodynamics or accounting, when I become President, should the need arise. This potential for growth, I am sure you will recognise, is essential for any supreme leader to possess.

Over and above that, however, my distinction in Elementary Mathematics proves that I can focus on the simple things i.e. you and your fellow heartlanders. This is why I am certain that, contrary to your concerns, I will be able to deal with your prosaic day-to-day problems with ease.

Having said that, let me impress upon you that it is not the President’s job to deal with the people’s “problems”. He has been elected to attend dinner parties, appear on NKF charity shows every week and say “yes” to the parade commander at National Day Parades. A most grueling schedule awaits whoever has the capacity for the job which is why he must be unencumbered by such petty problems as a public transport fare hike.

Which leads me to your “grumble”. At the end of your letter, you beseech me to help you help yourselves. That, my testicular friend, is exactly what the government is already doing. Your concern is the fare hike but that is only one side of the story. Our esteemed government is more cunning than you imagine. It has coupled the fare hike with the introduction of additional ERP gantries in a pincer movement that will squeeze you louts out of the hedonistic rut you find yourselves in now and keep you at home to watch more TCS 8 drama serials or Channel News Later. This is a masterstroke of governance that I can only applaud and which also gives me the added pleasure of sitting on even more money in the national coffers.

This is, of course, beneficial to everyone. More money in the reserves means more money for the people. Our wise leadership is squeezing you dry now so that they can reward you fools with such delights as a huge ferris wheel not unlike the one you might have come across in London but which is still Uniquely Singapore. I never fail to marvel at the compassion and empathy that is flowing infinitely from the ministries of our government. That is why I so dearly desire to join its ranks at the very top.

You claim that this country needs a superhero to guide us. Would you, perchance, be thinking of that demi-god Kim Jong Il? Or perhaps the inspiring Hugo Chavez? I certainly hope not. We need a leader who has his head on his shoulders. Not one prone to carving statues of himself or *gasp* hosting his own TV show.

Sincerely yours,