Put down your microphones. Please?
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s true – karaoke will kill you. Or at least I wish it would, but it won’t. Still, there’s every reason to avoid it because, other than causing widespread deafness, hair loss and American Idol, it’ll also give you what’s known as “karaoke polyp” – a condition where an abnormal growth appears on the vocal chords due to the constant strain inflicted upon them by your over-imitating of Screamin’ Dion. You can read all about it in this severely overdue but life changing article.
Obviously, this is great news. Not since Nazism has the world seen a greater threat than that which lurks in karaoke lounges, all of which have horrible names like K this or Party that. It is an abomination that we simply must destroy or we will all suffer endlessly from a severe malady. Get it? Malady, melody? *Guffaws*
Ahem… yes. Actually, there’s a bit more to it than that.
Back in the old days, young men grew up drinking and smoking in billiard saloons where, if nothing else, they at least mastered the manly sport of poking balls with sticks. These days, youngsters spend their adolescence drinking and smoking while murdering some Taiwanese song. And what good does that do? Just an hour ago, I heard something that went “Woah woah, woah woah, woah woah” from someone by the name of Jay and from what I know, that’s a hit among karaokeists. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life looking like you’ve got a c**k in your mouth, I see no conceivable benefit of this.
To make matters worse, karaoke addicts are willing to pay ludicrous fees for the opportunity to drive each other insane. The lounges know this and charge upwards of $50 a session. $50! Really, that’s like paying to have your ears cut off. Still, what truly makes this whole obsession with karaoke scary is that no one’s safe. Even Pat – the most rational human being on Earth – is reduced to a warbling mess in the face of lyrics that slowly change colour. I know grown men who, when clutching a microphone, have suddenly believed that they are Mariah Carey. It is all just impossibly stupid.
So, in just a few short paragraphs, we’ve established that karaoke is harmful to your health, more evil than Nazism, damaging to our children’s future, devastating to families because it causes financial ruin and that it makes people behave like idiots. Why do I somehow feel that that’s not enough?
Obviously, this is great news. Not since Nazism has the world seen a greater threat than that which lurks in karaoke lounges, all of which have horrible names like K this or Party that. It is an abomination that we simply must destroy or we will all suffer endlessly from a severe malady. Get it? Malady, melody? *Guffaws*
Ahem… yes. Actually, there’s a bit more to it than that.
Back in the old days, young men grew up drinking and smoking in billiard saloons where, if nothing else, they at least mastered the manly sport of poking balls with sticks. These days, youngsters spend their adolescence drinking and smoking while murdering some Taiwanese song. And what good does that do? Just an hour ago, I heard something that went “Woah woah, woah woah, woah woah” from someone by the name of Jay and from what I know, that’s a hit among karaokeists. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life looking like you’ve got a c**k in your mouth, I see no conceivable benefit of this.
To make matters worse, karaoke addicts are willing to pay ludicrous fees for the opportunity to drive each other insane. The lounges know this and charge upwards of $50 a session. $50! Really, that’s like paying to have your ears cut off. Still, what truly makes this whole obsession with karaoke scary is that no one’s safe. Even Pat – the most rational human being on Earth – is reduced to a warbling mess in the face of lyrics that slowly change colour. I know grown men who, when clutching a microphone, have suddenly believed that they are Mariah Carey. It is all just impossibly stupid.
So, in just a few short paragraphs, we’ve established that karaoke is harmful to your health, more evil than Nazism, damaging to our children’s future, devastating to families because it causes financial ruin and that it makes people behave like idiots. Why do I somehow feel that that’s not enough?
3 Comments:
For your info, Jay Zhou is a great singer. 'Tis a great tragedy that his fans are not.
But yes, Hitler is the lesser of the 2 evils. At least all he did was make people Hail him instead of singing his name out.
Somehow I feel insulted...
I don't sound that bad right?
And I think I am more likely to get that condition from 'screaming' at those 'primates' of mine than from KTV.
Pat
Erm… no one said anything about him being a bad singer. Anyway, I don’t intend to find out.
And, when I say “warbling mess”, I really mean “divine diva”. Sometimes my fingers move before my brain does.
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