Romance. I’ve never been good at it and I never will. In fact, I think it’s something I pride myself in not being. Yes, romantic gestures show how much you care for someone. Yes, they’ll make her happy (which may bring about other assorted rewards that I won’t elaborate on). Yes, she’ll tell all her friends that her boyfriend is such a sweet guy and all that jazz. And of course her friends will go “ooooooh”. I’ve always felt that romance is just a show. It means literally nothing. A mating dance of sorts, if you like. I thought I was beyond romance, that I could express my affections in more meaningful ways. Particularly in ways that didn’t involve presenting women with dead or rapidly expiring flora.
But last night, I realised what a fool I’ve been. Don’t get me wrong. I still believe that romance is a load of crap. But now I’ve come to the realisation that I’m not beyond it, I’m beneath it. I’m utterly incapable (ok… so this may be a little of an exaggeration) of expressing to the people who matter just how important they are to me. Even more unforgivable is the fact that, sometimes, I just take them for granted. I live in a world of my own and everyone else just falls by the wayside.
With this new job and the accompanying lifestyle I’ve been thrown into, things have gotten worse. Every evening I’m tired. Every morning I’m tired. Everyday revolves around eating tired, working tired, sleeping tired. I’ve lost interest in so many things. I don’t play pool anymore, I haven’t touched the PS2 in weeks, I’ve given up CM, I don’t watch soccer on weekends with the voracity I used to, I hardly read, I’ve stopped playing the guitar. To think I yearned for financial independence just so I could do these very things without feeling guilty about being a burden to my family. I don’t care about much these days because life just seems to be the same tedious cycle repeated to infinity and I don’t see a way out.
I’ve lost too much since I started working. And I almost lost the very person who’s made it all bearable. The one who was by my side every step of the way when I was stricken with A.S. The person who didn’t want to bother me with her own troubles cos I was so damn tied up in mine. The one who cheered me up despite her own nagging fears about the state of our relationship. The one who endured my irritability, my constant fatigue, my snide remarks, my total lack of interest in what she had to say. I almost lost her without even knowing it and that scares me. It chills me to the bone.
I’m so glad we had that talk last night. It was painful but it had to be done and I believe things will turn out for the better. The fault lies with me. I’m the one who needs to change, who needs to take into account your feelings more. I’ve been too caught up in this mess I find myself in and I’ve dragged you down with me which just isn’t fair. I’ve been insensitive and unreasonable, immature and shallow and yet you were unconditional in your support. You deserve so much better and I intend to give you that. But yet I don’t want to promise too much because I’m don't know if I can deliver. All I can say now is that I’ll try. You know I will.
PS: (to any unfortunate reader) Sorry for all this soppiness!
But last night, I realised what a fool I’ve been. Don’t get me wrong. I still believe that romance is a load of crap. But now I’ve come to the realisation that I’m not beyond it, I’m beneath it. I’m utterly incapable (ok… so this may be a little of an exaggeration) of expressing to the people who matter just how important they are to me. Even more unforgivable is the fact that, sometimes, I just take them for granted. I live in a world of my own and everyone else just falls by the wayside.
With this new job and the accompanying lifestyle I’ve been thrown into, things have gotten worse. Every evening I’m tired. Every morning I’m tired. Everyday revolves around eating tired, working tired, sleeping tired. I’ve lost interest in so many things. I don’t play pool anymore, I haven’t touched the PS2 in weeks, I’ve given up CM, I don’t watch soccer on weekends with the voracity I used to, I hardly read, I’ve stopped playing the guitar. To think I yearned for financial independence just so I could do these very things without feeling guilty about being a burden to my family. I don’t care about much these days because life just seems to be the same tedious cycle repeated to infinity and I don’t see a way out.
I’ve lost too much since I started working. And I almost lost the very person who’s made it all bearable. The one who was by my side every step of the way when I was stricken with A.S. The person who didn’t want to bother me with her own troubles cos I was so damn tied up in mine. The one who cheered me up despite her own nagging fears about the state of our relationship. The one who endured my irritability, my constant fatigue, my snide remarks, my total lack of interest in what she had to say. I almost lost her without even knowing it and that scares me. It chills me to the bone.
I’m so glad we had that talk last night. It was painful but it had to be done and I believe things will turn out for the better. The fault lies with me. I’m the one who needs to change, who needs to take into account your feelings more. I’ve been too caught up in this mess I find myself in and I’ve dragged you down with me which just isn’t fair. I’ve been insensitive and unreasonable, immature and shallow and yet you were unconditional in your support. You deserve so much better and I intend to give you that. But yet I don’t want to promise too much because I’m don't know if I can deliver. All I can say now is that I’ll try. You know I will.
PS: (to any unfortunate reader) Sorry for all this soppiness!
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home