Boots

This afternoon, I was tasked to write a headline for a pair of boots. “These are meant for the unconventional man.” the suit told me. And so I looked at the picture of one boot. And I looked some more. And my brain did a sort of Irish jig in my skull and decided that it was all an illusion and that closing my eyes would make the pain go away. But when I opened them, there it was. And again, and again, and again.

It appeared to be some type of cast. Not much different from what they’d put on you if you’d just broken your leg in two places. It also appeared to be what you’d buy if you were into cosplay and wanted to show the world how cool you looked as Rockman. How ironically perfect then that this pair of boots (and I use the term lightly) was targeted at the daring man who wanted to make a fashion statement. As far as I was concerned, the only target audience it could appeal to was blind people. No really, if this thing had appeared when we were still single-celled organisms, no creature would ever have developed eyes.

But as it is in my line of work, one must learn to look past the faults of the product and bring out the gems. Of course if there are none then, dammit, you’d jolly well find one. I have done this for phones that remind me of enemas and now I will do it for the boots. At this point though, I have only five lines. One of them is “It’s like walking around on your head.” Which it is. Because if you wore one of these out, you’d be better off with your face in the dirt.