On Butt Rests
Recently, certain MRT stations have acquired butt rests (I don't know what they're really called so there), the idea being that you can relax in a sort of half sitting position while waiting for the train and then, once it's arrived, get up easily to mow down any passengers between you and a proper seat. Except that they don't work.
It is common sense that, for a butt rest to be useful, it must first of all be possible for the sitter's butt to actually stay on the rest. Unfortunately, the butt rests that SMRT have so graciously provided seem to be coated with Teflon. Plus, they're slanted. Plus, they're concave. So after falling off twice, the frustrated commuter, determined to wait in a relaxing manner, is forced to cling onto the back of the rest with his fingernails while his feet are engaged in a sort of constant scrabble to prop himself up. From a distance, this makes him look like a frantic prawn trying to swim backwards.
Just last week, I witnessed a lady commuter attempt to sit on a rest, fall off, and then comment to herself that it was really more of a bag stand than a seat. Oh, and her knickers were red.
And therein lies the secret to this mystery. Far from being a gaffe, these butt rests play a much more important role – they help to keep our train stations safe.
You know how it is these days. With bomb threats everywhere, everything needs to be kept under surveillance all the time. That’s why we’ve got those huge, spanking new cameras all over our train stations. And they’d work too if only someone could be bothered to watch them. To be blindingly obvious, watching people board and alight from trains is hardly nail-biting fun. Most people would rather entertain themselves by sawing their legs off. Clearly, SMRT had to do something to jazz up the show, to add that touch of excitement to the otherwise dreary monotony of eyeballing our country’s working class.
And that’s where the butt rests come in. Strategically placed, they lie in clear sight of all the cameras. Which means that in addition to keeping a vigilant eye out for our nation’s safety, SMRT personnel now have the joyous added option of betting on a game of “When will Joe land on his backside?” Or for the more sophisticated punter, “What shade are her knickers?” And all from the comfort of their control booths.
So you see, now we’ve really got foolproof security. Not only do we have a comprehensive network of eyes in the sky, we also have a dedicated bunch of eyes in Station Control. It works a little like Big Brother. Whether anything’s happening or not, you’re going to be glued to the screen anyway, because you never know when that hot Swedish mama is going to take a bath.
So kudos to SMRT. They’ve invested well in some butt rests that work, because they don’t.
It is common sense that, for a butt rest to be useful, it must first of all be possible for the sitter's butt to actually stay on the rest. Unfortunately, the butt rests that SMRT have so graciously provided seem to be coated with Teflon. Plus, they're slanted. Plus, they're concave. So after falling off twice, the frustrated commuter, determined to wait in a relaxing manner, is forced to cling onto the back of the rest with his fingernails while his feet are engaged in a sort of constant scrabble to prop himself up. From a distance, this makes him look like a frantic prawn trying to swim backwards.
Just last week, I witnessed a lady commuter attempt to sit on a rest, fall off, and then comment to herself that it was really more of a bag stand than a seat. Oh, and her knickers were red.
And therein lies the secret to this mystery. Far from being a gaffe, these butt rests play a much more important role – they help to keep our train stations safe.
You know how it is these days. With bomb threats everywhere, everything needs to be kept under surveillance all the time. That’s why we’ve got those huge, spanking new cameras all over our train stations. And they’d work too if only someone could be bothered to watch them. To be blindingly obvious, watching people board and alight from trains is hardly nail-biting fun. Most people would rather entertain themselves by sawing their legs off. Clearly, SMRT had to do something to jazz up the show, to add that touch of excitement to the otherwise dreary monotony of eyeballing our country’s working class.
And that’s where the butt rests come in. Strategically placed, they lie in clear sight of all the cameras. Which means that in addition to keeping a vigilant eye out for our nation’s safety, SMRT personnel now have the joyous added option of betting on a game of “When will Joe land on his backside?” Or for the more sophisticated punter, “What shade are her knickers?” And all from the comfort of their control booths.
So you see, now we’ve really got foolproof security. Not only do we have a comprehensive network of eyes in the sky, we also have a dedicated bunch of eyes in Station Control. It works a little like Big Brother. Whether anything’s happening or not, you’re going to be glued to the screen anyway, because you never know when that hot Swedish mama is going to take a bath.
So kudos to SMRT. They’ve invested well in some butt rests that work, because they don’t.
