In my boredom, I have resorted to reading Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix. (No, I didn’t buy it. I borrowed it from Anita.) And I’ve found it surprisingly good thus far, which is scary. All those spells and odd creatures (Dementors etc.) and weird names (Dumbledore, Voldemort) are all getting to me. Probably explains why the Bible is such an enduring favourite. Must make mental note NOT to read this in public though.

On a less boring note, met up with the guys for a round of drinks on Friday at Cocco Latte. This was my first time in any place that had a cover charge for 3 years so I felt distinctly odd. It still baffles me why people come to such places to talk. I was screaming half the time and straining my ears the other. Still, at least you could scream the words “sex” and “masturbation” without anyone giving you weird looks.

Stuff I've heard/seen/said

[toast #1] To masturbation!

[to me] The only thing Chinese about you is that you play mahjong.

[me on my lack of immunological deficiencies] Once again, I have failed to fall sick on schedule.

[on my new haircut] Wah! Dragonball!

[toast #2] To sex!

[in an MRT station] Mind your steps

[on a lift door] Beware of finger

[from an email] The exact written or printed format/pharse is: (phrase)

[from the same email] The exact pharse must be found just below our signature and title and name… (phrase)

[and again] The above instruction must be adhere strictly as from 1st Oct 2004 and will be consider as an offence if not adhere to.

Ok… SPS… on hole. (on hold)

They still give you the necessity things. (necessary things/necessities)

[toast #3] To sex again!

She doesn’t wanna do it yet so I’ve been celibate since May. Masturbation works just as well.

Why I Don’t Have A Girlfriend

Ah well...

Joel says:
aiyah..wanna shit

Joel says:
brb

there are many many many nice things to buy on the internet. but i shall not succumb! says:
thanks for letting me know

Joel says:
i is back

there are many many many nice things to buy on the internet. but i shall not succumb! says:
hi shit!

Joel says:
i believe that whatever was in the next cubicle wasn't human

Joel says:
what was that for?!!

there are many many many nice things to buy on the internet. but i shall not succumb! says:
huh?

there are many many many nice things to buy on the internet. but i shall not succumb! says:
hahaha i'm mad today

Joel says:
there was much grunting

Joel says:
and heaving and louder than loud plopping

there are many many many nice things to buy on the internet. but i shall not succumb! says:
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

there are many many many nice things to buy on the internet. but i shall not succumb! says:
GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Joel says:
yes
my own sounds were disappointing

there are many many many nice things to buy on the internet. but i shall not succumb! says:
u lose!!!!

Joel says:
only cos he's got a bigger rectum!

there are many many many nice things to buy on the internet. but i shall not succumb! says:
hmmmmm

there are many many many nice things to buy on the internet. but i shall not succumb! says:
no i think it's smaller

Joel says:
well...technically speaking...the rectum may be bigger and the anus smaller

there are many many many nice things to buy on the internet. but i shall not succumb! says:
aha! u've got it all figured out!

Joel says:
i do my best thinking on toilet bowls

I now own an iPod now owns me

It’s been 4 days since I got my poddie. Yes, I have named it (slightly unimaginatively) Joe. I haven’t even named somewhat more important parts of my anatomy. But this is different. This is a badge of honour. This is what makes me me now. This is the high-tech phallus with which I will face the world! (This should be followed by maniacal laughter but I tend to sound like an asphyxiating duck so I’ll pass.)

But I sense some minute rumblings of dissent.

What’s that about sound quality you say? Does it matter in the slightest? Who gets an iPod and says “ooh, sounds great!”? Certainly not me!

Short battery life? Nonsense! That’s a feature, cabbage brain. It’s like rearing a neopet - constant feeding/charging = tender loving care.

But back to the topic at hand. I swear that when that lovely black and red box pumps tunes I don’t even like into my head, time slows down and speeds up simultaneously. I feel like I’m walking slower but yet before I know it, I’ve arrived. This, I am convinced, is nothing short of witchcraft (or a really good joint).

And!

Dressing has never been easier. All I need to do is choose something that matches that pure white earphone cord. Hence, black, red, brown and blue are in while white and yellow can go take running leaps out of the colour spectrum. Piece of cake.

In short, my iPod (or Joe) has given my life direction. It’s like having a child. Every night, I must feed it new songs. Every day, I must devote some time to cradling it. Every 10 seconds or so, I must reach into my bag to check on its whereabouts even though the music’s still playing.

Sounds odd, perhaps. But you probably aren’t a parent, much less a poddie. What do you know about attachment and devotion or love and affection? This piece of technological magic, now lying snugly by my side, has taken the relationship between man and machine to unprecedented depths. Soon man and machine will become interchangeable. Man will be known by his machine and machine by its man. There will not be one without the other and there will not be the other without the one. And when the depths of pretentiousness, materialism and shallowness have finally reached their conclusions? Why, Steve Jobs will just release something else. Good grief, I need help!

I have discovered that Redoxon Vitamin C pills, when left in a bottle of water overnight and diluted by about 70%, will start to taste like vanilla. Incidentally, this is also how scientists simulate the effects of gastroenteritis.

Some stuff I've heard or read somewhere:

“I’m very peculiar about food.” [particular]

“We believe in carmen.” [karma]

“We’re very professorial in what we do.” [professional]

Someone: “You’re a BTL writer, right?”
Me: “ARGH!!”
(I’m not terribly articulate.)

Iain Dowie on Andy Johnson’s alleged drunken night out.

“Is he entitled to go dance with his wife at a do? Yes he is. Does he need some help with his dance moves? Obviously he does. We will do some more movement to music in training.”

Imagine that you’re a guy and you’re saying bye to an acquaintance you’ve met in the train. Would you pat his thigh as you stood up to leave? Cos that’s what happened to me yesterday.

Scans train for babes.
Unwittingly makes eye contact with secondary school acquaintance.
Tries to look down but too late.
Acquaintance points to neighbouring seat.
Curses.
Swears.
Blames the heavens.
Plops sullenly into seat.
Makes half-hearted small talk.
Tries to remember acquaintance's name.
Acquaintance says my name three times.
Still trying to remember acquaintance's name.
Acquaintance starts talking about his job.
Still trying to remember acquaintance's name.
Acquaintance runs out of things to say.
Big idea hits.
Asks for acquaintance’s namecard.
Enlightenment/relief/dammit! When does he get off?
Acquaintance announces his stop is next.
I exhale a little too loudly.
Acquaintance stands up.
I say, “See you around.”
Acquaintance pats my thigh and says “you too”.
Brain sends out the “WTF was that for?” signal.

Call me conservative but I think physical contact between men should be kept to a minimum. Okok. A pat on the shoulder is fine but no lower body, got it?! If gay bars enforce the “lips above the hips” rule, then straight men should adhere to the “hands above the pants” rule. Actually that should be the case in gay bars too but there’s only so much one can expect when alcohol and hormones combine.

Resolutions

I guess the fashionable thing to do each New Year is to get hopelessly inebriated, lose copious amounts of money at the mahjong table and make resolutions that have no chance in hell of being kept. Having done the first two, I will now proceed to do the third.

This year, I resolve to:

1. Be more sociable.
More people deserve to know me.

2. Exercise!
Because when you hit 25, anything and everything you eat goes down to your stomach and decides to start loitering around the area.

3. Be nice to my mom.
This is a toughie. Especially when she gets on my back about trivials like the length of my hair, where I put my stuff or the way I fold my clothes. Still…

4. Spend less.
This will commence after I receive Well Written and Red which will set me back by $80.

5. Earn more.
This will commence once I get my lazy-ass brain working again.

Oddly, I think these were my resolutions last year. No matter. I will proceed to fail once again.