This Chinese New Year, I visited Pat’s family for the first time. About time really. After all, I’ve been dating her for more than 3 years. Apparently, her granny decreed that I had to come this year and, rather than risk losing my one and only life (to Pat, not her granny), I duly obliged.

As these things go, terror is a word that is inescapable. You step into the lift with trepidation. Walking down the corridor feels like walking the plank. The gaping doorway brings images of electric chairs to mind. Not very festive at all.

And so I step in. The transformation is immediate. I am now a goat. And leading me around by the leash is Pat as her parents and grandma fawn (ah… so close to a pun) over me. Her grandma seems especially pleased and starts talking to me in Cantonese. I bleat something incomprehensible. Pat tries to intercede, telling her that I understand Mandarin only. Her grandma starts speaking in Hokkien. Pat tells her again that it’s Mandarin that I understand. Granny starts speaking in Cantonese again. I am led out of the room.

Like all animal shows, feeding time is primetime and I am fed vegetarian stuff made with hair and what I’m told is fermented tofu. So far so good. Everyone seems happy and starts giving me money. Brilliant.

After food and money comes boredom so Pat parks me in front of the TV where I witness the powers of Pokemon. (A fire-breathing chicken-like thing roasted a cobra and what looked like a lump of shit with eyes.) Amazing stuff.

That’s it really. I’ll probably have to do this again next year so I’ll just save a copy of this. I will, of course, change the TV program.

More stuff

They are very magnamous. (magnanimous)

[an sms] I’m going for a flu jap today. (jab)

[another sms] thank

We have to go through Mirinda Square. (Marina)

I’m at Pissple Park. (People’s Park)

someone to someone else: “Hey, I drew your thing.”
me: “You drew his thing?!”

The Matrix in ASCII